The Fed's New Money-Printing Machine

Now, which one is faster and more efficient at printing money...?

 

The SHANDONG 5000 electroglide flatbed currency printing machine has edged ahead in a fiercely competitive fight for the chairmanship of the US Federal Reserve, writes Tim Price on his ThePriceofEverythingblog, narrowly in front of its major rival, the Heidelberger Druckmaschinen high speed sheet fed rotary offset press.

 

In an ominous sign for supporters of the Heidelberger Druckmaschinen candidacy, a number of US Senate Republicans are circulating a letter supporting the Shandong 5000 model in its quest to replace Ben Bernanke at the head of the world's most important central bank.

 

The Shandong 5000 is a six-colour high speed flexo letterpress printing machine which can churn out up to $2 trillion in high denomination bills in less than 60 seconds. The only other serious contender, a 70 ton Komori Super Orlof Intaglio based in Tokyo, melted after recent overuse.

 

Senate Democrats rounded on the nomination of a Chinese printing machine in what critics interpreted as a thinly veiled racial slur that ran the risk of igniting an international trade war. Supporters of the Shandong 5000 electroglide pointed out that the only domestic US manufacturer of high speed, sheet fed rotary 1-10 Intaglio currency printing machines filed for insolvency 60 years ago. 

 

It was also president of Harvard University.

 

Some Wall Street analysts were sceptical that a flatbed currency printing machine was really the best fit for the task at hand. Marti Venal at SalesWeasel GoldFelon pointed out that in the 21st century, digital central bank reserves could be created effortlessly electronically without any resort to the printing press whatever. His colleague Dwight Craven added that three staffers at the Federal Reserve had recently been crushed to death by the accidental toppling of a two-mile high mountain of hundred Dollar bills following the June iteration of the Fed's quantitative easing programme. 

 

"The Heidelberger Druckmaschinen boomlet is now looking like a Heidelberger Druckmaschinen backlash," added Venal.

 

Republicans seem more welcoming of the Shandong 5000 candidacy, despite some disagreements over the machine's reliability. The Shandong 4000 series was prone to overheating, occasional power outages, and sometimes exploding spectacularly showering shards of molten steel at supersonic speed over its support workforce. This made the Shandong 4000 only slightly less dangerous than a full service investment bank.

 

The Heidelberger printer has long been a bogeyman for some liberals. They regard the machine as a close colleague of former Treasury secretary Robert Rubin whose backing for the financial sector and appetite for unrestrained deregulation has been widely blamed for the banking crisis.

 

Although the Heidelberger press supported the need for new regulation in the wake of the largest financial crisis in the West for almost a century, it was not a supporter of parts of the Dodd-Frank reform, such as the Volcker rule that limits proprietary trading.